So I spoke with Amy last night, and I got some closure. She pretty much said that we'll never get back together, which kind of puts worries out of my head. Although I still wonder if we'll ever have a chance together, I need to make a choice on medical schools for me. If I end up in Houston, so be it. If not, so be it.
I move forward, and conquer the path in front of me. Nothing shall stop me. I can't believe that I'm getting so worked up over a girl. There are over three billion of them on this planet. Surely at least one must be able to match roughly what I'm looking for.
I'm tired of failing. I'm tired of sucking. I need to get into medical schools, I need to get out of this rut, and I need to get back into the game. My productivity has sucked for too long. This has got to end.
A chat with my officemate has made me realize that right now, I'm not in the happiest of moods, and so I'm not really enjoying Pittsburgh. I really liked the concept of leaving - or even not really 'living' there, just working there and keeping my mind somewhere else...
Amy once told me that I broke her. Before we dated, she was cool, strong, and independent. I was someone reliable, someone trustworthy that she knew wouldn't fail her for lack of trying.
She's dating someone else now. But somehow, I know, deep down inside of me - even though she's trying to put herself back together with this new guy...only I can fix her. I shaped her before, and I will shape her again.
I left some music on last night - a set of waltz, Viennese waltz, and tango pieces. Had the strangest dream - apparently, I was in some holding facility/torture area, where I was fighting over a...phone? It doesn't make sense, but my dreams never do, I guess. I woke up more promptly than I normally do - I was up by 8 AM, when I'm normally up by 10 AM or so.
I woke up with a sense of peace and a strange longing to hold Amy in my arms, like we would when we'd watch movies and TV together. For some reason, I felt nostalgic, but I didn't hurt. It was a happy memory.
As the day went on, things began to come to me, reminding me of how much she changed me. She gave me style, she gave me more depth to my personality, etc. I grew so much with her, and she did, as well. One of the biggest issues is that a fair proportion of my clothes that I wear now are bought/associated with her:
One pair of American Eagle jeans One green, short-sleeved American Eagle polo shirt One pair of normal-rise, boot cut Express 1MX jeans One black, with red and white stripes, Express shirt, small One white Polo zippered sweater, with a blue strip from neck to wrist
All those clothes I wore - and probably still wear - frequently, because I wanted to dress better for her, even though she wasn't there to see it. A pity that I've worn the sweater so much that it has a hole in one of the arms. It's currently sitting in my closet, before I do any more damage to it...
Part of me wants to just become so much better for her. Make her realize precisely what she's missing by going with some guy she doesn't really know.
Part of me is wondering if she's really right for me. We had all these fights over religion, but we were less stubborn over them.
Part of me is wondering why I'm caring so much three months after she started dating someone else. I've been pushing my regret to the side, but it's time to actually deal with it, instead of letting it pile up.
I'm realizing that a fair bit of this longing is also attributable to loneliness. I'm living in a single, and without anyone, it gets awfully lonely awfully quickly. This is pushing me out - I'm definitely doing a lot more ballroom dancing - I have a competition on Halloween, in Maryland! Starting at Newcomer; we'll see how far I get. My partner's fun - she's only a freshman and just started, but she's willing to work and takes constructive criticism well. I'm having an issue with her being a little too nice and not offering any criticism back, but I suppose that she will once she gets more confidence.
I may have a problem, too: a fair number of my Christian friends are telling me that this is the best time to improve my relationship with God - in other words, spending time alone - but, save two, Luke and David, don't really spend time with me. I'm trying to reach out, but if this is the best kind of support I can get from my friends, why do I try so much?
I dunno. Sometimes, it feels like I should be spending time alone, but alone time doesn't work too well for me. Not yet, at any rate.
I was right, before I got into the relationship. It changed me forever. If you never fall in love, you will never know what you're missing. And perhaps I should have been more confrontational about religion before I got into a relationship.
I know in my head that these things are minor, but I keep on coming back to them. Where will I go from here?
hor/hord(an) = to eat - bia bohorim = let's eat! - bia iin ra bohorim = let's eat this! - mikhai iino (iin ra) bohorim = do we want to eat some of this?
But careful! - iino bohor = eat this *or* blow me - mikhai iino bohor = do you want to eat this? *or* do you want to... yeah. You get my drift. So be careful *which* situations you use it in.
Farsi is so hard!
kosh/kosht(an) = to kill -koshande = deadly (where -ande makes verbs into adjectives/adverbs)
Impolite expressions: koslis = whipped -lis is a contraction for lisande kosmarz = completely stupid -marz means brain koshol = you're crazy! -hol means obsessed
And, finally, two ways to say "I'm screwed!"
Polite: dahanam saafe - where saafe is a contraction of (sof - ast)
Impolite: kunam paarast - where paarast is a contraction of (paare-ast )
for others "You're screwed" Polite: dahanet saafe Impolite: kunet paarast
